TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally noted for historic society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be large. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed within the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Some of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and completely from location. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Certainly, confident, let's have One more area where American Adult men can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer Every person a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in each unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It is really that he really should cease making use of it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the undertaking, replied, "You know, male, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping sorts a large Trump head seen from Area, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following finding the creating's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It is not merely unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Functions


Probably the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which friends may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" Trump Tower Damascus questioned 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Eternally."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "where's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is now attracting interest from Worldwide traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may also contain:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge exactly where my PTSD may have transform-down provider."


Another article from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It needed a waterslide shaped just like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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